It seems that in my life I have varying phases of depression or happiness, and that for the most part I seem to have no control over these. Since around last January, I have been relatively happy. (Mind you this isn't all the time, I just mean on average, I would say I was happy) I think this has changed recently. The fact that my family moved from Huntsville leaving me in my house alone has hit me hard. I have never been good at relating to people. I could be for various reasons I guess, but most likely it has to do with the fact that I probably have an undiagnosed condition such as Aspergers or HFA. This means that I now live in a town in which I am 12 hours from my closest relatives, I don't talk on the phone, and I really don't talk to that many people in person. I am about to become a hermit, and this makes me unhappy. I am bad at social interaction, but this doesn't mean I don't want any social interaction. I actually quite like when I find someone I can talk to without feeling totally awkward. Since I have moved here, I have managed to make two friends. Previously I was hanging out with these two friends almost constantly, but now our jobs are making that quite a problem. I work first shift, one friend works second, and the other works third.
I have been trying to overcome this social anxiety and inability to relate to people, but nothing seems to help. I joined roller derby, I started running, and I joined a meetup group that does outdoor adventures. I haven't managed to make any friends from these activities, which makes me feel worse. I observe that everyone who is in the groups is friends with everyone else, but I never manage to break in. I think I am going to have to start becoming very serious about running and roller derby. If I refocus my energy in to athletics there is a chance I can prevent the inevitable self destruction I always seem to bring on myself. When I am depressed, I tend to make terrible life decisions. The only things I can effectively do while depressed is sleep, get drunk, and spend money that I don't have. I have trouble going to work, and I definitely have trouble getting myself to exercise. Depression even gets in the way of reading for me. Normally reading, running and eating are all among my favorite activities, but when I am depressed I don't have interest in any of them.
So this post was pretty pointless, but most of my posts are so I don't really care.
nicole.
